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Clutch Chatter -- September 2000

RE News
by Mark J. Badgley

First of all, I want to wish Sam Crites well in his recovery from a multitude of problems. He has been having a fairly rough summer and is getting back to work on a part time basis. As you will see in the board meeting highlights, Sam has had to resign from the board as the Activities Chairman. I tried to point out to Sam that he really didn’t have to go to so much trouble to get off of the board. Really, get well soon.

It is hard to believe that the year is starting to wind down and that the planning for next year is already underway. The big news for this month, however, is that the Vintage Race is definitely going to happen this year at IRP. Somewhere in this issue of Clutch Chatter, you will find an advertisement for this event.

We will need several workers to come out and make the vintage race happen. I would greatly appreciate everybody coming out and helping this region in our efforts to support the activities at Indianapolis Raceway Park. IRP has continued to be a real supporter of our efforts over the years and we need to do the same for them. This is a great time to try a new specialty or if you have never worked a race, then we will train you on the spot.

The next item of business is that you will also find a nomination ballot for the region’s officials in the year 2001. Typically, we do not have many returned to the election committee, but it is really a great experience. If you would like to be part of the board next year, there is nothing wrong with nominating yourself.

The new board will need to continue to address issues like fiscal responsibility, event staffing, program validity, site requisition, and future planning. During the board meeting last month, it was apparent that currently we have no Race Chairman or Solo Chairman in line for next season. These programs and events will simply not happen without the commitment of somebody within the region stepping into these rolls. If you are interested in pursuing these positions, please feel free to call me to discuss your future within the region.

Finally, I want to thank all of the members of this year’s board for their support. It has been a very good year and next year can be even better with YOU on the board.

See you all somewhere.


Sep 10 - Road Rally Points Event (see page 3)
Sep 12 - Board Meeting, 6:00 PM, TBD
Sep 17 - Solo II Points Event (see page 4)
Oct 1 - Solo II Points Event (see page 5)
Oct 13 - Hayride & Chili Cookoff (see page 1)
Oct 20-22 - Vintage Grand Prix at IRP
Oct 22 - Road Rally Points Event


Friday, October 13 - 6:30-9:00 - Hayride at 8:00

Eagle Creek Park – Shelter A


  • Great Chili – hot & mild (bring your favorite antacid)
  • Hot Dogs Burned Over an Open Fire
  • Blazing Marshmallows & Gooey S’mores
  • An Hour Long Hayride Under the Stars (with our special new "itch-free" straw)
  • A Chance to Tell Your Best Racing Lies

The Region will provide drinks, utensils, hot dogs, & buns. Bring a pot of your best chili or a pitch-in dish and join us for a pleasant fall evening.

For more info call 852-8062.

Board Highlights
by Darlene Badgley

These are highlights of the recent Indy Region Board of Directors meeting. If you have questions about the region’s affairs, please attend the next meeting or contact any officer or board member.

Treasurer’s Report: A few expenses from Indy Grand Prix at IRP and Indy Solo II Grand Prix at Converse are still outstanding.

Membership: 615 members

Activities: Due to Sam Crites’ resignation, Darlene Badgley will complete Sam’s term as Activities Chairman. An October hayride/chili cookoff is being contemplated at Eagle Creek Park.

Road Rally: Last event had a good entry. Next event is August 19, 2000, with the following event in good shape. Would like to start planning for a 2002 Divisional Rally.

Solo: June event had about 60 cars. BFG Indy Solo II Grand Prix had 194 competitors. October 15 date has been moved to October 1, 2000.

Racing: Indy Grand Prix had a good observer’s report but also mentioned lack of workers. 2001 Racing Schedule was discussed. Indy Region will help supply workers for the October VSCDA at IRP.

Planning Committee: No Report

New Business: Nomination Ballot for Indianapolis Region Officers will be in September issue of Clutch Chatter. Peter Hylton will be chairman of Election Committee.

The next board meeting will be September 12, 2000, at 6:00 PM at a place to be determined. Call Mark Badgley at 317-852-8062 for location.


Nominations of members for this fall’s election of officers should be mailed to the SCCA Election Committee, PO Box 549, Brownsburg, IN 46112 prior to October 15, 2000.

Regional Executive -

Assistant Regional Executive -

Treasurer -

Secretary -

Membership Chairman -

Activities Chairman -

For questions about the responsibilities for any of these jobs, ask any Board Member.

Solo Report
by Dave & Cathy Hart

Please Note: The October event has been changed from October 15 to October 1. Details are elsewhere in this issue.

So far we are 6 for 6 in the excellent weather category. Hopefully we can keep it up for the last 2 events.

The results from the Indy Solo II Grand Prix at Converse for 2000 Indy Region Competitors only can be found elsewhere in this issue. These are the results that will be used to score the event for our regional class championships. The complete results will be published in the September BFG Series bulletin. You should receive a copy of the bulletin if you participated at Converse.

You will also find the August 20 event results from the 16th Street Speedway elsewhere in this issue.

Our next events will be September 17 at the Indianapolis Speedrome, followed in 2 weeks by our last event of the season on October 1 in Anderson. Please thank Clemens Burger for his efforts in obtaining permission to use this new site. See the event advertisements elsewhere in this issue.

Time is running out for members to qualify their points by helping with a special work assignment (course setup, tech, etc.) to be eligible for year-end awards. If you have any questions or need more information, please contact Dave Hart.

We would also like to remind everyone to consider taking an active organizational role in the 2001 Solo II program


Date(s) - Points Event - Event/Site
Sep 17 - 7 - Australian Pursuit / Speedrome
Oct 1 - 8 - TBA

Indianapolis Region SCCA Solo II - Points Event #5

Converse Airport - July 22-23, 2000
2000 Regional Competitors Only

Place Time Name Vehicle
1 101.547 Kevin Klink Pontiac Formula WS6
1 95.202 Clemens Burger Toyota MR2
2 100.873 Jeff Alexander Toyota MR2
3 106.328 Sean Murphy Pontiac Fiero
1 100.436 Brian Gard Plymouth Neon ACR
2 102.041 Gustavo Hammerly Honda CRX SI
3 104.707 Brett Striegel Plymouth Neon ACR
1 103.714 Cindy Fineberg Dodge Neon ACR
1 104.262 Dave Alexander Toyota MR4
2 110.749 James Owens VW Jetta TDI
1 96.108 Jack Tovey Chevrolet Corvette
1 99.385 Andrew Bratt Toyota Supra
2 107.784 Sean Harshey VW Scirocco
1 100.408 Paul Lazaro Mitsubishi Eclipse GST
1 93.658 Lee Miller Pontiac Fiero
1 94.540 Richard Atkins Fiat X-1/9
1 84.281 Bruce Faucett Griffith Super V
1 102.822 Steve Linn Nissan Sentra SE-R
2 106.370 Chris McGuire VW Rabbit GTI
3 108.636 Martin Ausbrooks Honda Accord
4 109.044 John Ausbrooks Honda Accord
1 101.967 Alan Ausbrooks Subaru Impreza RS
1 92.697 Dave Hart Comet Mach 1
1 SES 107.967 Sam White Ford Mustang LX 5.0
2 SES 109.698 Corey White Ford Mustang LX 5.0

Indianapolis Region SCCA Solo II - Points Event #6

16th Street Speedway - August 20, 2000

Place Time Name Vehicle
1 52.962 John Braunsdort Maserati Merak
1 40.246 Todd Houtz Porsche 944 Turbo
2 41.353 Steve Knitter Porsche 911 Cabriolet
3 42.210 Christopher Welsh BMW M3
4 43.080 Sal Barbera Honda S2000
5 43.359 Scott Callahan Porsche Boxter
1 41.925 Jay Hofacker Mazda Miata
1 50.669 Jodi White Mazda Miata
1 36.853 Clemens Burger Toyota MR2
2 43.281 Jason Russell  
3 44.047 Marc Kerr Pontiac Fiero
4 44.557 Jeff Alexander Toyota MR2
5 45.928 Stephen Brinkerhoff Toyota MR2
1 38.786 Bob Monday Plymouth Neon ACR
2 40.688 Gustavo Hammerly Honda CRX SI
3 44.545 Dan Sellers Dodge Neon
4 46.401 Brett Wilson Nissan 300ZX
1 44.395 Guy Dingman Nissan 240SX
2 44.937 Brian Kinzie Honda Civic
3 51.289 Andrew Tipton VW GTI
4 51.418 Dave Johnson Pontiac Fiero SE
5 52.532 Patrick Tipton VW Golf GTI
1 42.310 David Johnson Chevrolet Camaro Z28
2 44.170 Darren Daubenspeck Ford Mustang GT
3 44.705 Steve Povalac Pontiac Firebird GTA
1 39.366 Harold Hammerly Acura Integra-GSR
2 40.225 Lyle Freeman Acura Integra
3 40.961 Kevin Resseguie Acura Integra
4 43.317 Matt Chitwood BMW 325is
5 43.568 Doug Copfer Accura Integra
6 44.988 Rob Stokes BMW 323ci
7 45.606 Ross Chitwood BMW 325is
8 46.973 Carlos Santos VW Passat
1 43.032 Dave Alexander Toyota MR2
2 48.865 Josh Locklear Toyota Camry
1 39.923 Jack Tovey Chevrolet Corvette
2 41.147 Ted Drummond  
1 40.838 Sherri DeCoursey Mazda RX-7
2 41.572 Shane Benson Mazda Miata
3 45.564 Scott DeCoursey Mazda RX-7
4 46.602 Nick Judy Mazda RX-7
5 47.393 James Allen  
1 40.590 Andrew Bratt Toyota Supra
1 40.339 Paul Lazaro Mitsubishi Eclipse GST
2 41.861 Robert Burton Pontiac Trans Am
3 44.354 Douglas Schrum Mitsubishi Eclipse
1 38.715 Paul Fox Chevrolet Corvair
1 37.298 Phil Wehman Caterham Super Seven
2 37.933 Don Kline Toyota MR2
3 42.894 Tammy Kline Toyota MR2
1 37.261 Warren LeVeque Chevrolet Corvair
1 40.088 Greg Murphy Honda Civic EX
2 41.944 Chris McGuire VW Rabbit GTI
3 42.218 Jon Kerns VW GT-VR6
4 42.754 Martin Ausbrooks Honda Accord
5 43.328 Steve Linn Nissan Sentra SE-R
6 44.474 John Ausbrooks Honda Accord
7 45.012 James Lin Acura Integra GS
8 47.163 Zach Bryant Mercury Cougar
1 41.123 Alan Ausbrooks Subaru Impreza RS
1 57.889 Austin Nichols Margay
1 53.999 Ben Forsythe Kart
1 35.380 Scott Burton Kart
2 35.959 Dave Hart Comet Mach 1
3 40.929 Greg Nichols Emmick Express
1 SHS 33.910 Dennis Dunkman Honda Civic EX
2 SES 35.602 Corey White Ford Mustang LX 5.0
3 SES 35.922 Sam White Ford Mustang LX 5.0

Indianapolis Region Solo II Points Event #7

SUNDAY, September 17

Indianapolis Speedrome - 802 South Kitley Avenue, Indianapolis - Corner of Kitley Avenue and Brookville Rd.


Check It Out !!!

Karts Welcome!
(Contact Dave Hart for Rules)
It is the judgment of the Solo Safety Steward whether the course design, surface, solid objects, and type of karts running present an unsafe mix (2000 Rulebook 2.1.D). Please contact the Solo Chairman prior to the event to determine the likelihood of limitation or exclusion occurring.

Gates Open: 9:00 AM
Registration & Tech: 9:30 AM - 10:30 AM
Driver's Meeting: 10:45 AM
Event Start: 11:00 AM

$15.00 Members - $18.00 Non-Members

Contact: Dave or Cathy Hart at (317) 849-2495 or

Indianapolis Region Solo II Points Event #8

SUNDAY, October 1

Former Delco Remy Plant 3 Parking Lot

Take I-69 North from Indy to the 2nd Anderson exit (Exit 26) (IN-9/IN-109). Turn left onto IN-9. Continue on IN-9 approximately 2.5 miles and take the 1st left after the 1st railroad crossing. Watch for SCCA banners and orange directional cones.

Rain or Shine

Karts Welcome!
(Contact Dave Hart for Rules)
It is the judgment of the Solo Safety Steward whether the course design, surface, solid objects, and type of karts running present an unsafe mix (2000 Rulebook 2.1.D). Please contact the Solo Chairman prior to the event to determine the likelihood of limitation or exclusion occurring.

Registration & Tech: 9:30 AM - 10:30 AM
Driver's Meeting: 10:45 AM
Event Start: 11:00 AM

$15.00 Members - $18.00 Non-Members

Contact: Dave or Cathy Hart at (317) 849-2495 or

with Aeron Hylton

The only thing I’ve got this month is a big congratulations to Ralph Porter on a Podium finish in the Neon Challenge at Road America. He was sixth on Saturday and third on Sunday. Way to go Ralphie

VSCDA Vintage Grand Prix

October 20-22, 2000

Note: This is a tentative schedule based on the information we have at this time.


Thursday: - Registration - 4:00 pm – 8:00 pm

Friday: - Registration - 7:00 am – 5:00 pm
- F&C Meeting @ Start/Finish - - 7:20 am
- Track Manned & Ready - 7:45 am
- Practice - 8:00 am – 11:30 am
- Practice - 1:00 pm – 5:30 pm

Saturday: - Registration - 7:00 am – 5:00 pm
- F&C Meeting @ Start/Finish - - 7:20 am
- Track Manned & Ready - 7:45 am
- Practice - 8:00 am – noon
- Qualifying - 1:15 pm – 6:00 pm
Sunday: - Registration - 9:00 am – 1:00 pm
- F&C Meeting @ Start/Finish - - 9:50 am
- Track Manned & Ready - 10:15 am
- Races - 10:30 am – 6:00 pm

Event Officials:

Chief Steward - Terrence Garrett (317) 849-3543
Chief of T&S - tbd
Chief of Course - tbd
Chief of F&C - John Best (765) 642-2916
Chief of Pits - tbd
Chief of Grid - tbd
Chief Starter - tbd

Note: Registration, Tech, and Sound Control will not be staffed by Indy Region. Please come out and join us in one of the other specialties.

by Chuck Hanson

Five down and three events to go. The competitors seem happy with the events. So far we have only thrown out one leg in five events. That is a strong testimonial to the quality effort that our Rallymasters are investing in these events. And two of those events were put on by first time Rallymasters. I am very impressed.

Last month I said that I was seriously considering continuing as Rally Chairman if the new RE wants me to. That means that I am starting to think about the schedule. Anybody who is interested in being the Chairman for an event is encouraged to contact me, particularly if you would be interested in putting on an event early in the season (March, April, or May). The response to last months invitation has been very gratifying. I have four volunteers already. Again, all I can say is thank you. We are starting to develop some real enthusiasm in this program.

At this point in the season, we traditionally publish the standings for year end points to give you an idea about whether you have a chance for a year end trophy. We have some real races here. (See points on page 5.)


Sept 10 - Candi Is Dandi - Frank & Candi Pope
Oct 22 - October Tour - Ken & Deb Osiecki
Nov 19 - - - Dan Cook & Chuck Hanson


  Pos. Total
Team Class Points
Carolyn George & James Cates 1-B,T 234
Candi & Frank Pope 2-B,T 344
King Doxsee & Don Reynolds 3-B 365
Donna & Bob Dennison 1-N,T 376
Jack & Carla Morris 2-N,T 397
Jim & Jackie Bredle 1-A,T 488
E. Benton Tackitt, III & IV 1-C,T 497
Jennifer & Terry Ireland 3-N 734
John & Susan Ausbrooks 4-N 770
John Marshall & Roger Bland 4-B 908
Mike Andrews & Karl Knuth 5-B 998
Nicole Bosler & Mike Curtis 5-N 1186
Ryanne Hofheinz & Molly Butters 6-N 1236

Indy & Columbus Region Rally Points Event #6

Sunday, September 10

Slight change of plans. Candi is the only choice. This will be a Touring rally similar to the other events that we have presented this season. The event is run entirely on paved roads and will be slightly under 100 miles in length. Checkpoints will be a combination of Open, DIY and Closed. (A closed control is one where you are timed, but do not stop. It kind of puts a premium on your ability to be on time between open controls.) Because Frank had been working on a concurrent trap rally, there are lots of loops in the course. You will probably see significantly more rally traffic during the event (going the other way). Run your own event.

Start at the Wal-Mart on East Washington St. in Indianapolis (across from Washington Square Mall). End at Appleby’s in New Castle. Use I-70 or SR 38 to return home.


Registration: - 12:00 – 12:45 PM
Drivers Meeting: - 12:45 PM
First car starts course: - 1:01 PM
First car completes course: - Approximately 4:30 PM

Members of SCCA: $10 - Nonmembers: $20

For further information: Charles Hanson (317) 780 - 9007 (Leave a name and phone number if you get voice mail. I travel a lot.)


NAME Mem. Work 4/2 5/20 6/25 7/30 8/19 Total Pts.
CLASS "A"                
Jim Bredle Y Y 12 6 7 12 12 49
Jackie Bredle N N       12 12 24
Damon Beals N N   6 7     13
Ken Osiecki Y Y 12         12
Kurt, Lisa, Dustin, & Alex Weisner Y Y 12         12
Steve Phillips Y N     2 9   11
Paul Gilbert Y N       9   9
Carolyn Phillips N N     2     2
CLASS "B"                
Frank & Candice Pope Y Y 12 12 12 12 9 57
King Doxsee N N 9   5 9 7 30
Don Reynolds N N 9   5 9 7 30
John Marshall Y N 7 7 4   6 24
Roger Bland N N 7 7 4   6 24
Carolyn George N N   1   6 12 19
James Cates N N   1   6 12 19
Mike Andrews N N       5 5 10
Mary Anne Butters N N       7   7
Steve Behr N N       7   7
Karl Knuth N N         5 5
CLASS "C"                
Dave & Roberta DeBolt Y Y 6 5 12 9   32
Bob Farr Y N 12 12   7   31
Pam Farr Y N 12 12   7   31
Benton Tackitt III Y N     6 12 12 30
Benton Tackitt IV N N     6 12 12 30
Richard & Janet Atkins Y N 7 3 9 6   25
Julie Partridge Y Y   12       12
Deanie Joseph Y Y   12       12
Dan & Ann Cook Y Y 9         9
Jo Seymour Y Y 5     4   9
Dave & Jeff Alexander Y N     3 2   5
Bob Seymour Y Y 5         5
Michael & Jenny McGraw N N       5   5
Turner Woodard Y N       3   3
Tom Cancilla N N       3   3
CLASS "NOVICE"                
Terry & Jennifer Ireland N N   7 6 2 7 22
Alan Ausbrooks Y N 7 12       19
Andrea Hutson N N 7 12       19
Paul Lazaro T N 12   7     19
Jack & Carla Morris N N       9 9 18
John & Susan Ausbrooks Y N 9       6 15
Steve Berenyi N N 12         12
Andrew Bratt & Terisa Lloyd Y N     12     12
Susan Fleener N N       12   12
Harold Apple N N       12   12
Donna & Bob Dennison N N         12 12
Nicole Bosier N N       7 5 12
Molly Butters N N       7 4 11
Yngvar Brynildssen Y N   9       9
Karen Collins N N   9       9
David & Ellen Johnson Y N     9     9
Steve Fernald, Jr. N N   7       7
Clint & Rachel Sigler N N 6         6
Taylor Woodard N N       6   6
Nan Ruby N N       6   6
Arpad Pataki Y N 5         5
Laszlo Tikk N N 5         5
Floyd & Lana Ireland N N       5   5
David Markland N N     5     5
Carolyn Goelz N N 4         4
KaAnne Morris N N 4         4
Jim & Cheryl Schneider N N       4   4
Ryanne Hofheinz N N         4 4
Tess & Jennifer Ireland N N       3   3
Carlos E. & Carlos R. Santos N N       1   1
Tim Young N N       0   0
Dina Hinshaw N N       0   0
Jonathon & Ginger Santos N N       0   0
David & Terri Stacy N N       0   0
Mike & Penny Andrews N N       0   0

From the Director’s Desk - - August 14, 2000
News from SCCA Area 4 Director Pete Hylton

7217 Creekwood Court, Pittsboro, IN 46167-9798
Phone: 317-892-6572 -
Fax: 317-892-4206 - Web Site:

The Future: I have just returned from the August SCCA Board of Directors meeting, and wanted to send out an update of what went on. First off, I want to say that I have been impressed with the activities of our brand new President, Steve Johnson. He has overcome my initial doubts about not having much SCCA background. He has attended numerous events in his opening weeks, meeting people, seeing how we do things, and even pitching in as a worker at races and solos. He has been calling Regional Executives and randomly selected members each week. He is definitely trying to find out as much about us as he can as quickly as he can. And he is making friends at each encounter with his obvious enthusiasm for the sport. When you get the chance to meet him I believe you will be pleasantly surprised, as I have been. Steve believes strongly that the SCCA needs a strategic plan for the future. The BoD agrees, and has asked the Planning Committee, of which I am Chairman, to work with Steve and the staff to formulate the philosophy, goals and implementation strategy which would make up such a plan.

Another issue of strategic concern is SCCA Enterprises. Although this arm of our organization has become profitable in recent years, that does not change the fact that many of us feel that SCCA should never have gotten into the car building business. For this reason, the BoD has announced that it will consider divesting itself of Enterprises in the next couple of years. No offer is currently on the table, and no decisions have been made. But we are going to look at the possibility and your opinions on the subject are welcome.

Convention: The staff has taken to heart the comments that came out of last year’s convention, and the format for the 2001 convention (Jan 31-Feb 4) will be much enhanced. There will be an emphasis on business, with a major RE training seminar, seminars for all specialties, and town hall meetings for all our activity areas. But there will also be a lot of opportunity for fun, with banquets, go-kart racing, a possible road rally, and other schemes yet to be announced. I urge every region to send at least one representative to keep your local club informed and involved.

Solo: Several recommendations from the Solo Events Board were approved, including regulations to govern passengers riding in cars during Solo runs. For details please see the published minutes. I would like to point out that there is a proposal to realign the stock classes. This has been published for member input and your opinions will be solicited through the time of the Solo Nationals. Make sure your opinion is heard, because by October I expect that this could come to the BoD for action.

Speaking of the Tire Rack Solo II National Championships, a record number of entries are pouring in and we may hit a 1200 car limit. We may be looking at having to expand the event from four days to six in the future. National Tour events and ProSolo National Series events are experiencing big increases in attendance this year too. In fact the ProSolos are averaging 170 cars per event so far, way up from the past. A monthly column on our Solo programs is about to begin appearing in Sport Compact Car Magazine. With exposure like this, who knows how high our Solo participation will peak.

I also wanted to let you know that The BF Goodrich Cen-Div Solo II Championship Series is beginning to solicit regions to host events in 2001. This series consists of eight events per year, spread around Central Division. The series is in it’s 15th year and is home to most of the top competitors in this part of the country. It is also a great place for newer competitors to hone their skills as they move up the Solo competition ladder. If your region has a Solo program, I would urge you to consider contacting the series Co-Chairman, Marlene Obenour (219-637-2009) about the possibility of your staging one of the series events next year.

Club Racing: A number of previously published proposals from the Competition Board were acted upon. One for car preparers to take note of is the redefinition of measurement standards used when interpreting dimensions. An announcement is also being made regarding the return to Yokohama tires for the Spec Racer program next year. Two things which did not see action were the GT Rules and fuel testing. The items which arose out of the so called "GT Summit" meeting are still being debated by the Comp Board, and it now appears that none of the possible GT rules revisions will be presented until next year, which means that they cannot be effective before 2002. As for fuel testing, the Competition Board has expressed a willingness to reconsider the current minimum dielectric constant value for racing fuel prior to the start of next year. However, yet another unpleasant fuel additive has arrived on the scene which has less effect on the DC and therefore complicates the issue somewhat.

A mid-season review of Club Racing car counts was reviewed. Of those classes which were flurting with the minimum number last year, all appear to be making it this year except for T1. This class, which the BoD created on its own initiative a couple of years ago, has never made the necessary numbers to achieve or maintain National status. It was supposed to lose that status if it could not make the required 3.5 car per race average this year. While the class average had more than doubled from last year, it was still clear that 3.5 would not be attained. However, some Board members still felt that the class had viability and that the two fold increase in entries this year justified an extension of the time limit to make the required average. For that reason a motion was made to give T1 two more years to make the 3.5 average. I was one of four members who adamantly voted "no" on this motion, feeling that it was well past time to admit that the initial BoD decision to create the class had been a bad one. However, by a narrow margin, the motion passed prolonging the life of T1.

The Great Chili Cookoff Story

Make sure you are at the Indy Region Hayride and Chili Cookoff on Friday, October 13. See the ad on page 1 for details. Meanwhile, enjoy this story from a friend named Frank who was on a recent visit to Texas:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili:
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, but needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides PAIN. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. Thank goodness for the beer!

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili:
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located an active uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic:
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, but not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover:
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety:
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I may have soiled myself, not sure, it may be chili. Sally continues to put out my internal flames with cold beer.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili:
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at my autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili:
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: ------------------


FOR SALE: 10 x 20 Canopy with Galvanized Steel Frame (complete). Only used a couple of weekends. Original price $200. Asking $100. Call Dave Dudgeon (317)357-1089. (8/00)

FOR SALE: 1995 Dodge Neon ACR damage to right rear quarter. Asking $2500 or best offer. Call Ralph Porter (765)457-9034 after 4 PM. (8/00)